I grew up the youngest of three sons. I’m guessing that by the time I was 12 years old, both of my big brothers had told me on separate occasions that they didn’t see any point in emotions or that emotions make you weak. My dad characterized taking actions based on your emotions rather than logic and reason as the negative side of being a female. Now, it may be that my developing mind interpreted into these interactions a meaning beyond their original intent, but I know that for me, these statements established or reinforced a notion that men are not supposed to have or listen to their emotions.
I don’t think my experience was all that unique. Maybe you had an older brother, uncle, or father who told you that boys don’t cry. Maybe you were or saw someone else who was picked on, ostracized, or bullied for being emotional. If you’ve heard it said that a guy was “in his feelings,” was it a compliment? I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “man up” used to encourage someone to suppress their emotions so that they can focus on and accomplish the task at hand. In 21st century America, you’ve been exposed to the idea that having emotions is a sign of weakness for a man.
It seems as though the archetypal alpha male – the tribe’s lead hunter who went out to kill game, defend the tribe, and enjoy the status that his successful ventures were met with – is still alive and well today. It’s just more sophisticated. We may not be taught to be the best hunter or warrior, but our society is enthralled with the idea of the self-made man. Independence, success, strength – these are the types of traits that a man must have to be acceptable by society’s standards. Therefore, any notion or semblance of weakness must be jettisoned from the body as quickly as possible by any means necessary.
So what do we do with those “weak” emotions? What do we do if we’re just sad? What if we’re not just sad, but depressed? How does a man, who is supposed to be adequate enough to handle any situation life throws at him on his own, deal with the anxiety that keeps him up at night? What do we do with fear, overwhelmedness, self-doubt or any of the rest of the whole host of unpleasant human emotions? For a lot of men out there, the answer is simple. Deny, deny, deny.
I was volunteering at a nonprofit organization that helps men, most of whom had a criminal record, to get back on their feet with a job placement and life skills coaching. We had breakout groups where we discussed various topics concerning manhood. One week, we were discussing the topic of emotions. I don’t remember very clearly what question I asked one of the participants at my table regarding how he dealt with his emotions, but I may never forget his answer. Very nonchalantly, almost as if he thought he was sharing common knowledge, he said, “That’s what the drugs are for.”
The problem is that emotions are not like a water faucet that can be turned off and ignored at will without consequence. No, emotions are much more like a raging river that is, at best, only going to be dammed up for a limited time until the flood waters breach the dam and it bursts. And if men are being taught to deny, suppress, numb out with drugs and alcohol, or any other form of avoiding those emotions, it’s only a matter of time before the dam breaks.
My point is simply this – in an effort to embody what our society has told us is what the ideal man is like, many of us have conditioned ourselves to deny a foundational part of what it means to be human. We are rational and emotional beings, every last one of us. While it is true that women are more likely than men to be diagnosed with depression (10.4% vs. 5.5%), anxiety disorders (23.4 vs. 14.3), and other emotional disregulation disorders, men are more likely to commit violent crimes (research in New York shows 97% of domestic abuse perpetrators are men), abuse drugs and alcohol (11.5% men vs. 6.4% of women have a substance abuse problem), and commit suicide (men died by suicide 3.56x more than women). Any good counselor will tell you that trying to intervene on these types of behaviors without addressing the underlying emotions is a waste of time.
I wonder what would happen if more men were given the space, validation, and encouragement to learn how to process and express their emotions. What would happen if men who exhibit sensitivity, tenderness, and compassion were lauded commonly rather than shamed? Can you imagine the pervasive impact that would have on our society as a whole? Do you think that impact would be positive or negative?
Maybe you think that this would result in a generation of weak men who are too emotional to make the decisions that need to be made and win the battles that need to be won. However, I have two rebuttals to that idea. First, choosing not to be aware of or accepting towards your emotion does not mean that it does not exist, nor does it mean that it is not affecting you. Accepting your feelings doesn’t mean that they have to control you. And that leads to my second point, which is this: there is a difference between weakness and meekness. Weakness is the absence of power. But in some senses, meekness is the restraint of power. Said differently, weakness is the inability to exercise power. Meekness is the ability to not exercise power.
For those who follow it, the Bible describes Jesus as being meek, meek enough to enjoy spending time with little kids, weep at a funeral, and be overcome by compassion many times. However, he was still strong enough to speak truth to power, boldly confronting the leaders of his day and sparking a movement that still stands for justice towards the oppressed 2,000 years later. He was meek, sensitive, and comfortable with his emotions, but he was still able to fight the battles that needed to be fought. Emotional awareness and acceptance are not opposed to strength. In fact, being emotionally aware is a necessary component for being able to use your strength most effectively and productively. It’s only a matter of time before your emotions pull the trigger – the question is whether or not you know what you’re being aimed at and why.
For men like me who were conditioned to suppress emotions from an early age, the journey to emotional awareness isn’t easy. If you want to start, though, I have a few suggestions for you.
1. Find a counselor who creates space for you to explore the real inner you and process your emotions. It might seem a bit self-serving of me to say it, but your journey can be accelerated under the guidance and support of a trained professional. I always feel like my sessions with my counselor are worth the time and money when I have that “Aha!” moment where I finally can put words to something that’s been hovering just outside of my conscious reach.
2. Keep a journal. You don’t have to write pages upon pages if you don’t want to. Just review your day and think about a couple highlights, whether your day was chill or uncomfortable. Then write out what you felt about those highlights. I use an app called Daybook because it makes this process very manageable and undaunting. It has a ton of prompts just to get you thinking, writing, and, most importantly, processing. Just go to daybook.app or download it in the app store. Alternatively, there’s always the tried-and-true method of pen and paper. Whatever works for you, taking 5-10 minutes a day to listen to your feelings and write what you hear will pay dividends.
3. Take your emotional temperature every once in a while. I’m at my healthiest when I take time at least once a day to identify 5 feelings that I’m experiencing. Sometimes it’s less than 5, and sometimes it’s more. The main thing is about being honest with myself and accepting what I’m feeling without judging or censoring the feelings. Identifying emotions in the moment was hard for me at first, but someone taught me to just sit in silence and notice any sensations in my body. Pressure or tightness in the chest, discomfort in the stomach, a drained feeling in the back of my eyes, etc. Over time, I started noticing that these sensations were related to certain emotions. Pressure in my chest means I feel stressed or overwhelmed and am having a hard time relaxing. Discomfort in the stomach means I’m afraid that I have or will let someone down and they will be mad at me. The tiredness behind my eyes means that I’m feeling burned out and irritated with someone or something. As you can imagine, this awareness gives me the option to choose healthy ways to take care of myself and respond to what I’m dealing with rather than just reacting. In other words, I can aim before the trigger is pulled.
I won’t claim that I have arrived at mastery when it comes to emotional integration with myself, but I will say that I don’t regret anything that I have gained along the way. I’m more able to release the feelings that would lead me to do things I would regret. My interactions with people feel like more of the real me is coming out rather than me going on auto-pilot. It’s just a different, more authentic way to live. To be honest, it’s a harder way to live. And that fact makes me think that maybe we’ve gotten it backwards all this time. Because what if the presence and influence of emotions doesn’t make a man weak, but rather our unwillingness to be “in our feelings” shows that we fear we are too weak to face our emotions? If that’s you, I’d like to encourage you with these 2 words:
Man up!
Questions to journal about and #takethewheel:
- Describe any occasions where you witnessed males demonstrating strong emotions (especially an emotion other than anger). What emotion was shown, by whom, and how was it received by those around him?
- How have you encouraged (or discouraged) the boys or men in your life in expressing their emotions?
- As a man, who do you share your emotions with? What is it like, or what do you think it would be like – to be emotionally vulnerable with others?
