Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer? It goes something like this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The prayer is profound as it recognizes the reality that our lives are affected by factors that are beyond our control, and it reminds us that our responses to these variables impact our mental health.
Many ongoing issues – such as depression, anxiety, addictions, etc. – stem from difficulties in coping with situations that are often outside of our control. Whether it’s the loss of a job, a global pandemic, a breakup, or something else, we’re all affected by things that we can’t influence the way we’d like to. Focusing on the things that are beyond our ability to change can make us feel powerless, which intensifies the negative feelings or leads to hopelessness. But what can happen when we focus on the things we can change?
The term serenity means the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. Focusing on and pursuing change in areas of our lives that we can control can lead to internal serenity, even during challenging situations. There are 8 areas that lead me to greater contentment when I’m “changing the things I can,” and I use the acronym SERENITY to help me remember them. Think of each category as a gas tank on your dashboard – are you full or running on fumes?
Self-Compassion (vs. Self-Criticism) – Controlling Your Self-Worth
What is your attitude towards the person you see in the mirror? We are often our own worst critics, and this can lead to discontentment, depression and anxiety. Instead, I recommend reminding yourself that there is more to you than your problems, and that it is okay to not be okay. Speak kind words to the person in the mirror. Acknowledge the difficulties you’re facing and love yourself. We can’t change our past failures, but we can control our attitude towards ourselves.
Enjoyment (vs. Enslavement) – Controlling Your Outlook
It’s easy to get so caught up in the monotony of life that we don’t take (or even see) opportunities for enjoyment. We can find ourselves working so hard to make a living that we forget to live. This is a form of enslavement, and it can lead to poor coping. Instead, look for moments throughout your day that you can truly enjoy. Make an effort to do things just for the fun of them. We can’t control the pace of certain aspects of our life, but we can control our outlook on enjoying the life we’re living.
Relationships (vs. Role-Playing) – Controlling Your Authenticity
Do you have relationships where you can be your authentic self, knowing that you will be accepted and supported in whatever state you’re in? Or do you find yourself trying to be a certain way around people who are close to you? The more roles you have to jump in and out of to try to make people like you, the more stressed you’re likely to find yourself being. Spend time with people who love you for who you are, enjoy real connection with other humans, and be there for others. If others don’t accept you for who you are, that’s their loss.
Expectations (vs. Exceptionalism) – Controlling Your Rhythm of Life
This is a two for one. On the one hand, consider the rhythm of your week. If there’s a normal, predictable flow, that stability may help you handle disruptions. If there are a lot of changes and exceptions, you may feel overwhelmed and off-balance, like a rug is being snatched from beneath your feet. Controlling the boundaries you set for healthy rhythms of life can change your life.
On the other hand, do you tend to place expectations on yourself that are too high? Having healthy expectations for yourself leads to more peace than holding yourself to the standard of being exceptional at all things at all times.
Needs (vs. Neglect) – Controlling Your Self-Care
I believe there are at least 5 categories of needs that we have – Physical, Relational, Emotional, Spiritual, and Self-Worth (PRESS needs for short). If you’re feeling out of sorts, it may help to look for deficits in these categories. Your needs are valid and deserve attention. Take care of yourself – the world only has one of you, and that makes you rare and valuable. Maybe you can’t control all the demands on your plate, but you can make sure that your personal needs are on it as well.
Intentionality (vs. Inertia) – Controlling our Purpose
Inertia means that a thing will continue in its current course until another force changes that trajectory. Sometimes we just go on auto-pilot through life rather than believing that we can do things that make our lives count the way we want them to. What mark do you want to leave on the world? What intentional steps can you take to move your life closer to goals that matter to you? You can’t control what the world brings to you, but you can control what you bring to the world.
Talking it out (vs. Tucking it away) – Controlling our Emotional Processing
There are few stressors with as much potential to harm us than bottled up emotions. What do you do with your feelings? Do you try to just get over them or actually work to get through them? So often we take emotional painkillers (like entertainment/social media, video games, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.) rather than addressing the root issue. So rather than tucking your emotions away, try to work through them in a safe space. Counseling, journaling, venting to a friend, or prayer are all methods that people employ to work through their feelings.
Yield (vs. “Yes!”) – Controlling our Rest
In a culture driven by bottom lines and productivity, we’re often penalized for saying, “No.” But every “Yes” to something is a “No” to something else. Oftentimes, saying “No” to the mental and physical rest we need is praised as having a “strong work ethic”. This can immediately cause anxiety because we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, but the stress can also have long-term effects of literally taking years off your life. Sometimes, it’s so much better just to yield. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I want to wrap up by saying that the goal of this exercise is not to burden you with more things to do. That defeats the purpose. Instead, I hope to give you a framework of things to think through if you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, discontent or off-center. Maybe you need to yield more or you haven’t been as authentic in your relationships as you could be. And hopefully, making small adjustments here and there can lead to the freedom and peace of mind that we call serenity.
Questions to journal about to #takethewheel:
- As you read through what each letter of SERENITY stood for, which one resonated with you the most? Why?
- What impact have you felt from not controlling that aspect of your life in a healthy manner?
- What small step can you make today to experience more serenity in your daily life?
